The Sangfroid

I’ve been a vegetarian for…ever. As a child, of course my parents had me try different meats but early on it was obvious I was not into it. As a young’n, I was thoroughly disgusted at the thought of eating a WONDERFUL ANIMAL LIKE A PUPPY! But as I grew older I just simply didn’t like the taste of meat. Not only do I not like the taste of meat, but it physically makes me sick now, I assume because my body developed not eating it and I already have a very angry digestive track.

Anyway, anytime I’ve ever mentioned being a vegetarian, I get one of these statements/questions in response. I thought instead of answering them forever and ever the rest of my life I’d just write the answers here instead.

“Are you part of PETA?”
No. I don’t support a lot of PETA’s actions (though they send a good message usually) and I’m not affiliated with any animal groups.

“Do you hate when your friends eat meat?”
No. I don’t care if the entire rest of the world eats meat. It’s simply not for me. Most vegetarians aren’t insane KFC-haters.

“So like…what do you eat?”
Everything that isn’t meat.

“I was a vegetarian for a month one time, it was hard.”
That’s because you only did it for a month and probably felt like crap because of the drastic diet change.

“Ohh yeah I feel so bad about eating animals.”
Why? THEY’RE ALREADY DEAD.

“Have you ever tried [insert meat here]?”
Yes, probably, and no I didn’t enjoy it. The only half-good meat is bacon.

“Do you eat fish?”
This is a legit question, actually, since there’s a type of vegetarian that forgoes all meats except fish. But the answer is no, fish grosses me out hardxc0re.

“Do you love salad?”
No, not really at all actually. I figure the contents of a salad are good, but they taste much better in between two slices of bread.

“But where do you get your PROTEIN!?!”
By far the MOST annoying question. My doctor who is aware of my diet says my protein levels are perfectly normal and fine. Supplements, nuts, peanut butter, etc all contribute enough protein to my diet. I’m in no way ready to get super buff at the gym, but I’m normal.

“Are you one of those like, CRAZY PSYCHO vegetarians?”
No, but I totally know the people you’re talking about. I’m not going to try to convert you, or preach about lifestyles, or slap that chicken wing out of your mouth, don’t worry.

“Are you a vegan?”
No, because then I would be Tegan the Vegan and that is not fucking okay.

Please note: None of these questions are “bad” to ask a vegetarian. Asking is better than not, this post was for humorous intent only.