Archive for the Religion Category

The Mosque Next Door

Okay, Tennessee, we get it. You have some really racist residents (and this coming from an Arizonan).

Tennessee continues its ongoing battle with a mosque being built in a neighborhood. A quick run-down for those who haven’t followed the story: Muslim-Americans dared to practice their freedom of religion by building a mosque in a Tennessee neighborhood. The constructions efforts were very literally torched, and signs were spray painted with ‘Not Welcome’. Somehow this is acceptable behaviour.

I have a mosque in my neighborhood. When we first moved in, it was Christian church (with, no joke, a neon, blinking sign that read JESUS. It looked like a Coors Light bar sign). Eventually, the church property was sold to someone else who turned the church into a mosque.

My neighborhood consists mostly of Mormons, lesbians, Hispanics, and Joe-Shmoe Arizonans (my Republican parents included). In case you were in a coma for SB-1070, Arizona’s occasional racism shows through particular residents who come out and say, “Yeah, fuck them border hoppers!”

Well, the mosque went up just fine. No protests, arson, or any general misshaps. The mosque has been there and active for many years now, and there’s been zero incidents or complaints.

The moral of the story is: A MOSQUE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. My neighborhood didn’t erupt in flames, Muslims did not storm the streets demanding we convert, God did not descend and condemn us all for daring to tolerate other religious presence. Every encounter I’ve had with the mosque has been pleasant and, even though they don’t have an awesome neon blinking sign outside, I am no longer bombarded with pamphlets telling me to go to church.

Tennessee, settle the fuck down. It’s a mosque for practicing Muslim-Americans who are exercising the same rights you do.

The 10 Commandments: Translated

And God spoke all these words, saying: ‘I am the LORD your God…
“He really does sound like James Earl Jones!”

ONE: ‘You shall have no other gods before Me.’
Fuck Buddha, that fat jerk.

TWO: ‘You shall not make for yourself a carved image–any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.’

I’m lookin’ at you, Da Vinci.

THREE: ‘You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.’
Unless its during sex, in which case, I’m flattered

FOUR: ‘Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.’
Keep it holy may also mean please continue to watch football and drink Coors Light.

FIVE: ‘Honor your father and your mother.’
Even if they’re selfish heroin addicts who sleep with your boyfriend.

SIX: ‘You shall not murder.’
Unless they cut you off in rush hour traffic when you’re trying to get home in time for the Gilmore Girls.

SEVEN: ‘You shall not commit adultery.’
Unless she’s hot and your wife doesn’t put out anymore.

EIGHT: ‘You shall not steal.’
Fuckin’ gypsies.

NINE: ‘You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.’
I think this means don’t lie? Whatever, just don’t be a dick to your neighbor, he knows where you sleep.

TEN: ‘You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.’
Do not stick your dick in things that are not yours.