Posts tagged Advice

Do Video Games Cause Violence?

By on October 11, 2009
This entry is filed under Advice and tagged , , , , , . | 13 Comments

Dear Dr. Sangfroid,

I am concerned with how often my children play violent video games. They are ages 10 and 14, and when I leave them at home alone I know they spend the whole day playing Halo or Call of Duty, two violence-centered video games. I often overhear them talking about “head shots” and “awesome guns” and even acting out the scenes from the games. With all the child and teen violence in America, I wondering if it is all because of video games?

Sincerely,
Worried Mom

Dear Worried Mom,

Of course video games cause violence! Just like plastic swords at the Renaissance fair, angry lions at the zoo, and MTV causes violence! Everyone knows children obey only one thing: the media, which is filled with violence.

Some people claim solid parenting, a positive presence of a mom or dad, and the teaching of good morals and right from wrong are what helps a child differentiate between violence in video games and violence in real life, but everyone knows that’s just crazy talk. The truth is, children and teenagers are absolutely incapable of telling the difference between video game violence and real life violence. In fact, thousands of children and teens die each year from attempting to perform tasks they see in video games, such as flying, casting magic spells, fighting dragons, and doing a 360 kickflip on a skateboard.

There is only one way to prevent your child from becoming violent. First, here are some ways that won’t work:
-Talking to your child about violence
-Monitoring what video games they purchase
-Restricting what movies they see according to age
-Being a part of your child’s life
-Teaching them right from wrong

Here is the absolute only way to guarantee that your child will never become violent and shoot up their school:
-Take away all TV, movies, video games, zoo trips, cell phones (they could be texting other violent children), computers, internets, books, and animals.
-Isolate the child from all human interaction.
-Protest video games and whenever a child does something violent, immediately find a reporter and tell them you saw that child playing a video game seconds before the incident.

Keepin’ it cool,
-Dr. Sangfroid

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What Will Happen If Gay People Get Married?

By on August 20, 2009
This entry is filed under Advice and tagged , , , , , , , , . | 6 Comments

Dear Dr. Sangfroid,

I know this isn’t personal question, but I want to ask anyway. I am only 9 years old but I am worried about the future. I live in Vermont, where gay marriage is legal. My mother told me this was going to bring the end of world. I don’t want the gays to end the world! Will you please tell me what happens when the gays get married?

-Scared Straight

Dear Scared Straight,

It’s so brave of you to be worrying about the future at such a young age, but so futile. 2012 is only two years away, and we all know how that’s going to turn out.

To answer your question requires some background. First let me tell you the history of gay people. It all began when Jesus was born.  He saw his dad making out with some other dude (it was actually Mary but they didn’t have razors back in the day so it was easy to mix up genders you know) and Jesus was SO MAD that he told God, “Hey man, fuck the gays.” and since the Jews hated Jesus they were all “No man fuck JESUS!” and crucifed him while listening to Madonna (the Gay Rights leader back then. She really takes care of herself for being so old).

Anyway, so later on America won all the wars ever because Jesus was on their side, and so America promised to always uphold his teachings by banning the gays. However, gay people are inherently sneaky, and managed to disguise themselves as metrosexual scene kids in order to remain undercover in America. Eventually some asshole blew their cover and all hell broke loose and that’s when the gay pride parade began.

So, to answer your question, here’s what will happen if the gays can get married:

-Your sons and daughters will all be gay.
-Your mom will be gay.
-Your dog will be gay.
-Your grandma will be gay.
-Obama will be gay.
-All straight married couples will receive a letter in the mail that says “lol jokes on you marriage ANNULLED!”
-The Sun will become gay and will start making out with another sun causing global warming to really kick it up a notch.
-Dolphins will be allowed to marry elephants.

Also, everyone knows that all gay people produce only gay babies, so eventually there will only be gay babies in the world, and then no more babies will be able to be born. Its called LOGIC!

Keepin’ it cool,
-Dr. Sangfroid

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Advice Column: Dealing with the Girlfriend

By on August 12, 2009
This entry is filed under Advice and tagged , , , , , , . | 4 Comments

Dear Dr. Sangfroid,

Recently, my 16-year-old son got his first girlfriend, a 17-year-old girl who goes to high school with him. While I am proud that my son is beginning to explore romance, I do have some issues.  I am concerned that they may be having sex as sometimes he locks his bedroom door when they’re together. I am very against this, as we are a strong Christian household. I am weary of this new girl, and I would like to know how to calm my nerves while keeping my son safe. Can you help me?

Sincerely,
Worried Mother.

Dear Worried Mother-

You have every right to be concerned for your son’s well-being. A man’s first girlfriend is a big step into adulthood, and you should be there to travel the journey with him.

It’s important that during this journey, you keep your son safe and prepared. Remember: All women are whores, no matter what, and as soon as your son falls asleep that girl is going to tie him up and have unprotected sex with him while using your $60 Clinque lotion as a lubricant. To prevent this, you must create clever traps to expose the heathen woman before she taints your son’s body with her whore mouth.

A good way to do this is to locate your son’s condom stash and drive a holy cross through each one. This should remind him that Jesus is always watching. Another way to remind him that Jesus is always watching is to paint a mural on his ceiling. Of Jesus watching him. With you next to Jesus, also watching. You must both look very stern in this mural, as if you’re always above him saying, “Now what would Jesus do??” and Jesus is saying, “I wouldn’t be doing THAT. Gross.”

It’s also important that you bond with this girl, too, in case your son ends up marrying her. This can be difficult, as women bond in different ways then men do. Women usually bond over bathroom visits together, complaining about boyfriends, and breaking diets together. Men bond over beer, high fives, and sports.

You must remember that this girl is also a COUGAR. A cougar is an older woman who prays on younger men, sort of like the pedophile of the womanworld, but better. Unlike a younger woman who sleeps with older men (to fill the void of the love daddy never gave her), a cougar goes after young guys to establish dominance. Therefore, the best way to “bond” with this girl is to show her that you too are a predatory master. Do this by dating someone as old as your son, and going to hip keggars with your son, his girlfriend, and your new boyfriend.

Lastly, if my advice has come too late and your son has already had sex with her, then in God’s eyes they are married. Remember, shotgun weddings are always an option, and at least it means he’s not gay!

Keepin’ it cool,
-Dr. Sangfroid

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