Dear Dr. Sangfroid,
I know this isn’t personal question, but I want to ask anyway. I am only 9 years old but I am worried about the future. I live in Vermont, where gay marriage is legal. My mother told me this was going to bring the end of world. I don’t want the gays to end the world! Will you please tell me what happens when the gays get married?
-Scared Straight
Dear Scared Straight,
It’s so brave of you to be worrying about the future at such a young age, but so futile. 2012 is only two years away, and we all know how that’s going to turn out.
To answer your question requires some background. First let me tell you the history of gay people. It all began when Jesus was born. He saw his dad making out with some other dude (it was actually Mary but they didn’t have razors back in the day so it was easy to mix up genders you know) and Jesus was SO MAD that he told God, “Hey man, fuck the gays.” and since the Jews hated Jesus they were all “No man fuck JESUS!” and crucifed him while listening to Madonna (the Gay Rights leader back then. She really takes care of herself for being so old).
Anyway, so later on America won all the wars ever because Jesus was on their side, and so America promised to always uphold his teachings by banning the gays. However, gay people are inherently sneaky, and managed to disguise themselves as metrosexual scene kids in order to remain undercover in America. Eventually some asshole blew their cover and all hell broke loose and that’s when the gay pride parade began.
So, to answer your question, here’s what will happen if the gays can get married:
-Your sons and daughters will all be gay.
-Your mom will be gay.
-Your dog will be gay.
-Your grandma will be gay.
-Obama will be gay.
-All straight married couples will receive a letter in the mail that says “lol jokes on you marriage ANNULLED!”
-The Sun will become gay and will start making out with another sun causing global warming to really kick it up a notch.
-Dolphins will be allowed to marry elephants.
Also, everyone knows that all gay people produce only gay babies, so eventually there will only be gay babies in the world, and then no more babies will be able to be born. Its called LOGIC!
Keepin’ it cool,
-Dr. Sangfroid
It’s Not Gay If I Do It
By Dr. Sangfroid on January 16, 2010
This entry is filed under Commentary and tagged gay, Homosexuality, Republican, Sex Scandal. | 11 Comments
I don’t know if anyone else has noticed this, but a lot of dudes who are against gay rights, gay marriage, gay anything….totally have bunches of gay sex. Let’s take a look:
Larry Craig, former republican politician from Idaho was a huge supporter of the Federal Marriage Amendment, which limited many rights for same-sex couples. His entire time in the Senate and Congress, he consistently voiced his opposition to rights for homosexuals. In 2007, he was charged with trying to get a blow job from a male cop in an airport bathroom.
Ted Haggard, former leader of the Association of Evangelicals, was one of President Bush’s advisers and consistently spoke out against homosexuality, labeling it an abomination . He was charged with, and admitted to paying male prostitutes for sex.
Bob Allen, former Florida State Rep, was a consistent supporter of banning adoption rights for homosexuals (along with numerous other anti-gay rights movements). He was later caught and charged with attempting to solicit sexual acts from a male prostitute (undercover cop) for money. According to the cop’s report, Allen said he would give the male prostitute $20 for the chance to give him a blow job. Allen later said that he was innocent, and thought the prostitute was trying to rob him (because when someone robs you, you try to deter them with 20 bucks and blow job?)
Three isn’t a lot, but it’s all I’m listing. Don’t think there’s more? At one point in 2007, someone made an entire deck of playing cards (52) with names and faces of anti-gay republicans who had been caught in some sort of gay sex scandal (the website has since been taken down, unfortunately).
So the question is raised: Does engaging in homosexual sex acts make you gay? No, probably not. Sexual identity and orientation is a deeply rooted trait that is difficult to define. These scandals aren’t about ‘closeted’ Republicans, or pedophile ministers, or even being gay. They’re about the heavy, undeniable hypocrisy of labeling homosexuality as wrong, an abomination, and denying rights to those who are homosexual…and then practicing homosexual acts.
Is it a deep, internal self-hatred of being a homosexual that makes these people lash out against gay rights, and then behind closed doors illicit them? Is it a feeling of power, or submission that drives them to this? Either way it’s fucking hilarious. Hate mongers being caught practicing what they label as terrible and forever being known as a dirty hypocrite? Yeah, it’s great.