Welcome to Part 2 of the College series! Now that you are prepared for college, it’s time to move onto the most important part of your college experience: Being Popular.
Step 1: Pick a Cool Major
Don’t be stupid and pick a major like Environmental Science or English Literature, because those are really uncool. It is best to choose something A) Easy B) Full of hot, desperate women C) Something difficult that you can brag about (I.E. “Yeah I’m a pharmaceutical major so that I can get $80,000 a year and have all the free drugs I want.”) For women, you only have one career choice: Communications. Why waste your time learning anything else when we all know you’re going to end up raising 3 little brats and heading the PTA meetings while your husband bangs a hotter, younger version of you in his Pharmacy office?
Step 2: Join a Fraternity/Sorority
There’s no better way to make friends quickly then by paying loads of money, having sex with passed out drunks (if they can’t say no, it’s fair game!), and comparing penis sizes. “But Frats and Sororities are only for beautiful people, and I am an ugly troll!” you may say. Fear not, these days people are far more accepting of uggos, and you can join as long as you are rich or enjoy doing other people’s homework for them. This is by far the best way to become popular, as brotherhood/sisterhood lasts for as long as the police don’t catch you with date rape drugs and you get the Frat banned life.
Step 3: Brag About Everything
Popular people are cool, and cool people only like other cool people. You’ll never get anywhere telling the story about how you almost had sex with a girl (it was only halfway in when you came, it doesn’t count, stop fooling yourself). Here are some things that are brag worthy:
-Winning at beer pong (it doesn’t matter that it was against an amputee stroke victim)
-Punching nerds in the face
-How you were really popular in High School
-That time you made a touch down during P.E.
-Sleeping with absurd amounts of people
-How much you drank last night
Step 4: Never Sleep
While all the hustle and bustle of college life may tire you out, it’s important to sleep as little as possible, and when you do, make sure it’s only between the hours of 11am and 4pm. Nerds and people who enjoy Battle Star Galactica sleep an average of 7 or 8 hours per night. Popular kids and people who enjoy I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! sleep an average of 2 hours per night. Sleep is for the weak, and the unpopular.
Step 5: Do Cool Things
Once you are popular (popularity can be measured by the number of friends you have on Facebook, how many people you have puked on, and the number of times a picture of you has been featured on Collegehumor.com) it is important that you continue doing cool things to maintain popularity. Here’s just a few suggestions:
-Making up cool nicknames for people, such as Broseph, Brojuice, BroBro, and Brostepher.
-Sleeping with teachers (only the hot ones).
-Obtaining your first STD.
-Making references to Failblog in public.
-Posting a picture of you puking on the internet.
-Telling people you’re bi and you looove making out with girls when you’re just like, totally wasted!
-Having really skinny legs but a giant, muscley upper body.
That’s all for now. Thanks to Jason for helping me figure out college popularity strategy. Tune in later this week for the next installment of the college series: “The People You’ll Meet In College” featuring The Awkward Sweaty Guy Who Has Your Phone Number For Some Reason.
Lady Gaga: A Role Model?
By Dr. Sangfroid on October 1, 2009
This entry is filed under Commentary and tagged Celeb Gossip, Celebrity, heidi montag, Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrcus. | 7 Comments
With 4 chart topping hit songs, an undeniably unique sense of fashion, and more TV appearances than you can shake a stick at, musical artist Lady Gaga has become a household name. Some love her, and some hate her, but its impossible to avoid her. Known for her skimpy pants-less outfits and raunchy songs, Lady Gaga is making an impression on the musical industry and the youth. Is it a good thing, or is she promoting what some view to be a bad life style?
Though her songs and music videos usually depict lyrics and images of sex, lust, and risque activities, I don’t believe she is glorifying any of it-in fact, the presence of sex is made so casual that she turns it into what sex has become to much of today’s youth- a natural and common act.
The songs Just Dance and Love Game are both about being young, partying, and engaging in no-strings-attached sex. Some may say that by broadcasting casual sex in such a manner is glorifying it-but I disagree. A large portion of teens between ages 15 and 20 engage in casual sex, and while many people choose to ignore it or condone it, there are few who give comfort to teens (especially young girls) and educate them on casual sex. Lady Gaga comes forth in her songs and talks about -gasp- actually enjoying sex! Casual sex is something that is simply not going to go away, no matter how much education or punishment is put toward it. Though artists like Kanye West and other rappers talk about having casual sex, it is all from a male point of view, sometimes referring to women in their songs as “easy” or “hoes”. To have a white, young, female artist come forward and say, “I have casual sex, and so do you” is incredibly empowering to today’s female youth, and sends a strong message that they are not alone in their decisions.
Aside from her music, Lady Gaga has been blasted for her fashion choices, being called everything from “eccentric” to “ridiculous” to “slutty”. Her signature look of a leotard, fishnet or opaque stockings, boots, and sunglasses have made many deem her as a hooker-look-alike. The internet gossips sites were a-buzz when she was seen wearing tape over her nipples under a sheer t-shirt, however fellow singer Rihanna was called fashionable when she did the same. Lady Gaga has said that she embraces her body, and has never had any plastic surgery done to change her features. She’s appeared semi-nude in magazines, however not once has her nudity been the focus of an image. She wears leotards or bikini bottoms in public and is called “whoreish”, while Beyonce and Britney Spears wear the same, if not raunchier, outfits on stage and no one blinks an eyelash.
So, is Lady Gaga a good role model? My answer is yes. She isn’t posing in playboy like The Hills star Heidi Montag, or wearing booty shorts and pole dancing at age 16 like Miley Cyrus. She isn’t singing about blaming obvious rape on alcohol like artist Jamie Foxx. Lady Gaga hasn’t been seen leaving a night club completely intoxicated, or snorting coke in the back of a bathroom, or committing adultery.
She is writing her own songs, performing her shows, and experimenting with fashion. Last I checked-isn’t that what most parent’s encourage their children to do? Find their own style, work with their talents, and do what they love?
What do you think? Is Lady Gaga a good role model?