Posts tagged jesus

What Will Happen If Gay People Get Married?

By on August 20, 2009
This entry is filed under Advice and tagged , , , , , , , , . | 6 Comments

Dear Dr. Sangfroid,

I know this isn’t personal question, but I want to ask anyway. I am only 9 years old but I am worried about the future. I live in Vermont, where gay marriage is legal. My mother told me this was going to bring the end of world. I don’t want the gays to end the world! Will you please tell me what happens when the gays get married?

-Scared Straight

Dear Scared Straight,

It’s so brave of you to be worrying about the future at such a young age, but so futile. 2012 is only two years away, and we all know how that’s going to turn out.

To answer your question requires some background. First let me tell you the history of gay people. It all began when Jesus was born.  He saw his dad making out with some other dude (it was actually Mary but they didn’t have razors back in the day so it was easy to mix up genders you know) and Jesus was SO MAD that he told God, “Hey man, fuck the gays.” and since the Jews hated Jesus they were all “No man fuck JESUS!” and crucifed him while listening to Madonna (the Gay Rights leader back then. She really takes care of herself for being so old).

Anyway, so later on America won all the wars ever because Jesus was on their side, and so America promised to always uphold his teachings by banning the gays. However, gay people are inherently sneaky, and managed to disguise themselves as metrosexual scene kids in order to remain undercover in America. Eventually some asshole blew their cover and all hell broke loose and that’s when the gay pride parade began.

So, to answer your question, here’s what will happen if the gays can get married:

-Your sons and daughters will all be gay.
-Your mom will be gay.
-Your dog will be gay.
-Your grandma will be gay.
-Obama will be gay.
-All straight married couples will receive a letter in the mail that says “lol jokes on you marriage ANNULLED!”
-The Sun will become gay and will start making out with another sun causing global warming to really kick it up a notch.
-Dolphins will be allowed to marry elephants.

Also, everyone knows that all gay people produce only gay babies, so eventually there will only be gay babies in the world, and then no more babies will be able to be born. Its called LOGIC!

Keepin’ it cool,
-Dr. Sangfroid

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Advice Column: Dealing with the Girlfriend

By on August 12, 2009
This entry is filed under Advice and tagged , , , , , , . | 4 Comments

Dear Dr. Sangfroid,

Recently, my 16-year-old son got his first girlfriend, a 17-year-old girl who goes to high school with him. While I am proud that my son is beginning to explore romance, I do have some issues.  I am concerned that they may be having sex as sometimes he locks his bedroom door when they’re together. I am very against this, as we are a strong Christian household. I am weary of this new girl, and I would like to know how to calm my nerves while keeping my son safe. Can you help me?

Sincerely,
Worried Mother.

Dear Worried Mother-

You have every right to be concerned for your son’s well-being. A man’s first girlfriend is a big step into adulthood, and you should be there to travel the journey with him.

It’s important that during this journey, you keep your son safe and prepared. Remember: All women are whores, no matter what, and as soon as your son falls asleep that girl is going to tie him up and have unprotected sex with him while using your $60 Clinque lotion as a lubricant. To prevent this, you must create clever traps to expose the heathen woman before she taints your son’s body with her whore mouth.

A good way to do this is to locate your son’s condom stash and drive a holy cross through each one. This should remind him that Jesus is always watching. Another way to remind him that Jesus is always watching is to paint a mural on his ceiling. Of Jesus watching him. With you next to Jesus, also watching. You must both look very stern in this mural, as if you’re always above him saying, “Now what would Jesus do??” and Jesus is saying, “I wouldn’t be doing THAT. Gross.”

It’s also important that you bond with this girl, too, in case your son ends up marrying her. This can be difficult, as women bond in different ways then men do. Women usually bond over bathroom visits together, complaining about boyfriends, and breaking diets together. Men bond over beer, high fives, and sports.

You must remember that this girl is also a COUGAR. A cougar is an older woman who prays on younger men, sort of like the pedophile of the womanworld, but better. Unlike a younger woman who sleeps with older men (to fill the void of the love daddy never gave her), a cougar goes after young guys to establish dominance. Therefore, the best way to “bond” with this girl is to show her that you too are a predatory master. Do this by dating someone as old as your son, and going to hip keggars with your son, his girlfriend, and your new boyfriend.

Lastly, if my advice has come too late and your son has already had sex with her, then in God’s eyes they are married. Remember, shotgun weddings are always an option, and at least it means he’s not gay!

Keepin’ it cool,
-Dr. Sangfroid

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People in Alleys

By on June 30, 2009
This entry is filed under Lists and tagged , , , , , . | 1 Comment

People I don’t want to meet in a dark alley:

-Gary Busey

-Anyone wearing axe cologne

-An undercover cop who is actually off duty and just wants some drugs, man

-Killdozer

-Angry sun from Mario brothers

-Jesus. If he’s making his big comeback in a dark alley, it can’t be a good sign.

-My mom. What’s she doing there anyway?

-Michael Jackson after faking his own death. Awkward.

People I do want to meet in a dark alley:

-Shaq

The 10 Commandments: Translated

By on June 23, 2009
This entry is filed under Guides, Religion and tagged , , , , , . | 3 Comments

And God spoke all these words, saying: ‘I am the LORD your God…
“He really does sound like James Earl Jones!”

ONE: ‘You shall have no other gods before Me.’
Fuck Buddha, that fat jerk.

TWO: ‘You shall not make for yourself a carved image–any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.’
I’m lookin’ at you, Da Vinci.

THREE: ‘You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.’
Unless its during sex, in which case, I’m flattered

FOUR: ‘Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.’
Keep it holy may also mean please continue to watch football and drink Coors Light.

FIVE: ‘Honor your father and your mother.’
Even if they’re selfish heroin addicts who sleep with your boyfriend.

SIX: ‘You shall not murder.’
Unless they cut you off in rush hour traffic when you’re trying to get home in time for the Gilmore Girls.

SEVEN: ‘You shall not commit adultery.’
Unless she’s hot and your wife doesn’t put out anymore.

EIGHT: ‘You shall not steal.’
Fuckin’ gypsies.

NINE: ‘You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.’
I think this means don’t lie? Whatever, just don’t be a dick to your neighbor, he knows where you sleep.

TEN: ‘You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.’
Do not stick your dick in things that are not yours.