Dear America,
I appreciate your culture, I really do! Freedom, democracy, hot dogs, and eagles are all awesome. But sometimes, you do tend to get too hung up on certain trends. And many times, its really, really stupid trends.
Starbucks
America has a boner for Starbucks. No, really, I’ve never seen people get so excited over a drink that wasn’t alcoholic. I’ve noticed that Starbucks typically has 3 types of customers.
-The OMFG COFFEE customer. This person is typically between 26 and 45, and relies on a double shot frappicino no-whip low fat extra mocha latte to get them through their work day. If they don’t manage to get their drink, they will complain for no less than 10 hours that they can’t function without their overpriced, over-marketed cup of $6 coffee.
-The ‘I don’t like coffee but I like Starbucks’ customer. This person is generally between 16 and 23, and comes to Starbucks for the ‘atmosphere’. They almost always have Apple laptops, an Ipod fully loaded with Death Cab For Cutie songs, and pants that are so tight they’re cutting off blood circulation. They’ll generally order an over-iced tea with a muffin and spend the next 6 hours writing terrible poetry and twittering in the corner.
-The occasional homeless person who comes in and asks for free water.
Apple Computers
PC vs. Mac, old guy vs. young guy, blah blah blah. You know why Macs never get a virus? Because no one cares enough about Apple computers to make a virus for them. You know why PC hasn’t retaliated with hip, young people commercials in their defense? Because PC users can accept that some people are simple-minded, and need simple computers. You know why Mac users are annoying? Because they don’t shut the fuck about Macs. Ever. I’ve never met a casual Apple fan. I’ve never met someone who says, “Oh yeah, I use a Mac, it’s just better for me.” No. Mac users insist of spouting, “I’M A MAC AND THEREFORE SUPERIOR. MY TASTES ARE SIMPLE I ONLY LIKE THE BEST. PC USERS ARE FAT AND HAVE DISEASES.” Shut up. We all know you only use the Mac to go to Icanhazcheezeburger.com.
Acknowledging International Tragedies With Stupid Things
Oh no! Genocide in Darfur? Better hold a candle light vigil, stick a magnetic ribbon to my car, and wear a yellow wrist band that says SAVE DARFUR. Donate money to help? Sorry, I’m broke. I’ll acknowledge that it exists though! Everyone being killed thousands of miles away will appreciate that, right?
Being Politically Correct
Reporter: “And here we have an African-American student to give his opinion on a racism issue.”
Student: “I’m actually from Haiti.”
Reporter: “Haiti-American?”
Student: “Goddamnit.”
Being Metrosexual, Not Gay
What the fuck? You’re not fooling anyone.
Dear angry internet rage people- If you can’t take a joke, please stay away from the internet :) PS I’m American, please stop assuming I am not. Yee-haw Americaaaa.
