Dear Dr. Sangfroid,
Recently, my 16-year-old son got his first girlfriend, a 17-year-old girl who goes to high school with him. While I am proud that my son is beginning to explore romance, I do have some issues. I am concerned that they may be having sex as sometimes he locks his bedroom door when they’re together. I am very against this, as we are a strong Christian household. I am weary of this new girl, and I would like to know how to calm my nerves while keeping my son safe. Can you help me?
Dear Worried Mother-
You have every right to be concerned for your son’s well-being. A man’s first girlfriend is a big step into adulthood, and you should be there to travel the journey with him.
It’s important that during this journey, you keep your son safe and prepared. Remember: All women are whores, no matter what, and as soon as your son falls asleep that girl is going to tie him up and have unprotected sex with him while using your $60 Clinque lotion as a lubricant. To prevent this, you must create clever traps to expose the heathen woman before she taints your son’s body with her whore mouth.
A good way to do this is to locate your son’s condom stash and drive a holy cross through each one. This should remind him that Jesus is always watching. Another way to remind him that Jesus is always watching is to paint a mural on his ceiling. Of Jesus watching him. With you next to Jesus, also watching. You must both look very stern in this mural, as if you’re always above him saying, “Now what would Jesus do??” and Jesus is saying, “I wouldn’t be doing THAT. Gross.”
It’s also important that you bond with this girl, too, in case your son ends up marrying her. This can be difficult, as women bond in different ways then men do. Women usually bond over bathroom visits together, complaining about boyfriends, and breaking diets together. Men bond over beer, high fives, and sports.
You must remember that this girl is also a COUGAR. A cougar is an older woman who prays on younger men, sort of like the pedophile of the womanworld, but better. Unlike a younger woman who sleeps with older men (to fill the void of the love daddy never gave her), a cougar goes after young guys to establish dominance. Therefore, the best way to “bond” with this girl is to show her that you too are a predatory master. Do this by dating someone as old as your son, and going to hip keggars with your son, his girlfriend, and your new boyfriend.
Lastly, if my advice has come too late and your son has already had sex with her, then in God’s eyes they are married. Remember, shotgun weddings are always an option, and at least it means he’s not gay!
Keepin’ it cool,