Welcome to part 3 of The College Series. Now that you are popular, its time to prepare you for the people you meet in college.
1. The Guy Nobody Fucking Likes
Nobody likes this fucking guy, seriously. He asks stupid questions in class, knocks over the beer pong table, and befriends ‘celebrities’ like Tila Tequila on Myspace, and then brags about it. He always shows up to parties, but no one knows who invited him. He can often be found secretly dumping cups of beer into the bathroom sink, and then pretending to be drunk the rest of the night.
2. The High Five Guy
High five guy can come in many different forms, from the awkwardly nerdy to the Flip Cup King. Either way, this guy loves slappin’ fives. Lows, highs, unders, it doesn’t matter. If the home team won, he just got a blowjob, or someone said “that’s what she said”, this guy will have his hand ready for the fivin’.
3. Bleeding Heart Liberal Girl
She’s the post-post-post modern feminist, had an Obama sticker on her car before it was cool, and has a tattoo of a rainbow peace sign. She’s a vegan, a closet heterosexual pretending to be bi, and has a hatred for men after her high school sweetheart gave her gonorrhea. The average BHLG can be heard saying: “Canada has the right idea”, “Love is all you need”, and “Well Ron Paul said…”
4. The Champion
You know how your dad used to call you Champ or Sport? This guy took it a bit too far. He is at every single frat party, usually in the 22-28 age range (and always has a shady excuse for being in college that long), and is the goddamn champion of EVERYTHING. Beer pong, flip cup, downloading porn, getting with girls with low self-esteem, Halo, and high school football. He can often be found yelling at 18-year-old freshman that they are fools for trying to beat him at Mario Kart.
5. The Weed/Beer Guy
This is the shady guy who every 17-20 year old college student goes to for beer/weed. He is happy to provide the goods as long as he can party. This guy seems cool at first, but slowly becomes “that guy” at a party. He tries to sell people “primo weed” at 2am, puts his arm around 16 year old girls while telling them stories about his younger years, and makes everyone feel generally uncomfortable. No one ever really knows this guy’s real name, as he usually goes by something like “McWayne” or “Fly”.
6. The Totally Not Gay Guy
This guy is totally not gay you guys, really. He likes everyone to wear only their underwear during frat initiations, but because its funny! He also sometimes checks out the “men seeking men” section on Craigslist, but only to see if anyone he knows is on there, really! He also sometimes jacks off with other dudes, but its totally straight because there’s no touching and they were both thinking about Megan Fox. Also, one time he had sex with a man, but it was okay because it was dark and he was drunk and who can tell the difference anyway, right guys?
7. The Fat Girl
This girl is really, really fat. She either hangs out with other really fat chicks (“because skinny girls are bitches, duhh!”) or really skinny hot chicks (“The Ugly Friend is just a myth!”). She can often be found making out with the drunkest guy at a party, and wearing no underwear. You can commonly hear her saying “real girls have curves!” while in actuality she has no curves, only lumps and rolls.
8. The Future Police Academy Reject
This guy dresses in either army camouflage ensemble, or the rattiest clothes he can find. He’s majoring in criminal justice, and never goes to parties because “it could get him kicked out the police academy, you idiot.” Generally, the guy works security at Target and thinks its a big deal that he catches 14 year old kids stealing video games. In any given class discussion or normal conversation, Academy Reject will manage to slip in his job of superiority and how he once went on a police ride along and helped a cop carry a passed out heroin addict to the car. He will eventually be rejected from the police academy after being deemed “fucking stupid”.
9. The Guy Who Really Hates Obama
This guy really fucking hates Obama, but isn’t necessarily racist or a republican, and probably didn’t even vote. He hates Obama because Obama is terrorist scum who watches amputee porn and was born in the terrorist country of Kenya and once had buttsex with Saddam Huessin while shitting on an American flag. His pick up lines are “universal health care is for Canadian socialist bitches!” and “where’s the birth certificate?!”
10. The College Is Great Guy
This guy fucking loves college. He probably grew up in a small, religious town and was home schooled or attended a private high school, and this is his first real social interaction that doesn’t have parental supervision. College is Great Guy goes fucking CRAZY, skipping classes, doing keg stands, snorting/smoking/injecting everything and anything, having sex with real girls, and majoring in “undecided”. College is Great Guy usually ends up getting expelled for streaking at a football game, or disappears the next year after he comes back from his first year of college and his parents see his “BITCHES AIN’T SHIT” tattoo.
